Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
