I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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