Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
