There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
