Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Less talking, more tequila
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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