I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my sisters under your porch take her home
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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