every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
