I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
