Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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