yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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