I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
