This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I AM VODKA MAN
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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