bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
