Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
