I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hippo gnu deer
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
