I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
