I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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