Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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