tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...