I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.