I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?