If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You may now shotgun with the bride
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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