Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
