My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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