You work out of a Hotel?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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