"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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