am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
