I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
