also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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