Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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