Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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