I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
