Cold hands, warm shart.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
