I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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