So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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