Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
