we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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