My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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