you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
