Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
