you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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