This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize