You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
