our cab driver is having phone sex.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
