He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
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theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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