He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
