i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
