in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just pee around me
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
