I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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