If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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