I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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