ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
