Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
