a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
