when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
