You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
